Almost Home

When I restarted this blog, my intention was to carry us through the most difficult part of the pandemic.  I think, for the most part, the hardest part of our adjustment period has come to a close.  I don't feel as if there is closure as in how far this will go and what will become of us the further that this goes on - I just feel like the knowledge that we don't know where we are going is starting to become the norm.

With each passing day, it is becoming more overwhelming to try to hold a memory of what it was like "before" the pandemic began.  And I have to wonder if we can have an "after" - an imagined way which our life is going to be - or will we come to perceive that all we have is a constant moment in the making, where remembering the past or trying to control our future is futile at best?  For me, and I've had these moments before on many occasions, I just can't seem to make myself think past today.  The fact that no one knows what we are going to create out of this sudden shift in the way we have lived until now, prevents me from even trying to "go there."  The futility of controlling my future reminds me that there is no other moment than this one. All we have is now anyway, so why not "go there" - why not go home - at least halfway there.

I hope to continue to experience the awakening that this moment is all that this experience is for, period.  

I have held this moment so often when I was in meditation.  I have held this moment of the "now" when I was alert and out in public several times before.  But I was always of the mindset that if I let go of holding the "now is the only moment there is" concept so that I could enjoy some forward or backward thinking about my model and how I live in this world, then I could always return to the now when it was more convenient and I was done refreshing my version of what I would like my life to look like or where I would like it to go.

My earliest experience within the Oneness was being aware that there is nowhere else to go nor any other time to experience.  I decided that this was the most pertinent way of thinking, but that it just wasn't practical to try to live with the awareness of the Oneness in this world among others who were not of this way of thinking.  In other words, I really didn't want to know the value of this moment, myself.  It is a constant distraction for me to change my mode of thinking from being aware of the now moment to the forward mode of thinking by wondering what is to come, or to the heaviest mode of thinking in reverse, where I hold on to the memories I think are important somehow.  This distraction I create by thinking that the reverse or the forward moment is somehow more important than being aware of the present moment in the Oneness, is what prevents me from going "home."  In other words, because this moment is all there is, if I distract myself from being aware of it by focusing on my past or my future, I also lock myself out of my awareness of what the Oneness is, home.  These days, I can no longer ignore the Oneness in my thinking system, so when I give myself permission to be distracted and let my thoughts go into reverse or forward thinking, I no longer feel myself as the presence of the Oneness I have become so familiar with - I no longer feel like I am safe at home.

This pandemic could go on. If not this moment to allow myself some constant "now" moment thinking, then what cross must I bear trying to figure out where this is all going to go and how I and others are going to end up, and if there is a greater disaster in the making?  My mind might find the cross it can no longer bear if I do not allow myself to go home to my original form of thinking - my way to just know that all is perfect when I bear witness to the Oneness in my own form of thinking.

If I don't accept the reality of this moment as perfect because there is no other moment in the Oneness, the cross I will bear is that I'll have to go through this all alone.  In other words, if I don't process this moment as perfect from my Oneness perspective, I will feel separate and I will feel like this cross is too much of a burden, and I will either go into panic mode or I will give up altogether.

When I process that I am only in this moment that I now know and that I am nowhere else - nowhere else could I go - then, suddenly, it all starts to make sense, and I find myself a home.  A home is where I allow my mind to rest - where I allow my thinking to give itself a break and stop trying to process the unknown.

I am clairvoyant, yes.  I can often see the future that someone else is in the process of creating based on their current thoughts and actions, and I want to know my own future as I am moving forward.  The illusion is that there is a sense of safety in knowing what is going to happen in this world of chaos.  The truth is, this world is always in a sense of chaos, and the only thing known in this way of thinking that is the usual collective way of trying to process this world, is that nothing but the Oneness is certain.  There is no other guaranteed outcome other than that this, our physical experience, will end.  If we started from a source of consciousness, then it stands to reason that this is where we will return once we no longer have the physical distraction of all of this.  The outcome that I would prefer when I don't want to know that I stand with the original consciousness in the Oneness of all that is, is that there is some unknown moment yet to emerge that has all the answers and the feeling of the end of all of this chaos.  Again, just because there is a pandemic does not mean that there isn't a normal state of chaos that is so ever-present that no one really seems to notice it until some dramatic event that we must notice occurs.  I search for this moment and hope that I will come to a conclusion that everything is perfect based on some unknown, yet unheard-of event, that will help me to process everything that I have ever known and will wrap it all up in one nice package so that I can finally take a breath.  The irony is that I have already known this when it comes to knowing the Oneness.  Regularly.  And yet, I still prefer wanting to know the chaos because it has the illusion of some sort of control over organizing the outcome of all of this, rather than just returning to an unknown consciousness that has nothing that I would prefer, except ever-constant bliss, of course.  Actually, it's more tranquil - more a sense of nothingness - but I don't want to go too far in naming this, lest I determine that I don't really want to know something that is not as dramatic as all of this quest for bliss in the unknown physical realm of what is to come.

Anyhow - I was blessed with coming to know peace and Oneness early on.  I did not choose to make it my home of consciousness.  I chose to ramble on, stretching my search for consciousness in some outstretched physical form where some of you could find me more relatable, I guess.  I have long known that my true quest is to remain in my physical form while I hold the concept or a sense of what the Oneness is while I talk to you.  I struggle because I find that doing so limits the conversations I can hold with anyone.  When one wants to know the Oneness - when one knows what Oneness is and one holds its consciousness as its own, there really isn't much to talk about.  Presence - what the Oneness begets - is the only value of what the Oneness is, and extending its home for others to reminisce about what home is, is all it wants to perform.

So, what "almost home," the title of this entry is, is that I can no longer ignore that I  would prefer to only have this original form of consciousness as my primary home,  I can no longer ignore its value.  This pandemic and its uncertain consequence is just a gentle reminder of what I have already known - that the future is not what consciousness is - it's an unknown phantom that most of us will never come to know or hold in the way that we expect.  We chase its consequence - we want to hold it and caress it so that we can feel some sense of "normal" like we once did - but it is not ours.  No one wants to own their consciousness of the unknown, because then it is not ours.  We can't control what is not in our consciousness, and our thoughts about what is normal are just an attempt to control this moment where no one knows what this is.

This moment is not normal, but any moment that is known outside of our original consciousness never is.  This "normal" consciousness where we think we know what we are and what we are a part of, is just a form of an abnormal consciousness from the perspective of the Higher Self.  The highest form of consciousness there is knows that this is just among the stars that don't really exist either.  It's a form of normal consciousness to imagine that there are stars among which we exist, but our most normal form of consciousness is just this... in fact, there is no way to describe it.  However, you will know yourself as home in this.  You just are inseparable from what started all of this, and to embrace the unknown is what makes this all the more normal, for what is beyond the stardust that we all call our home in our physical form is just the consciousness from which this all starts, and you can all remember that you are so much more than the stardust no matter how it sparkles and tries to convince us that it is all that matters (no pun intended).  The most "normal" home that we hold as ours, is far beyond the stardust in its consciousness.  It is just ours.  It is just home.  There is nothing more to know or to forecast or to foreshadow from what is to come from whatever current form of chaos is capturing most of our hearts.

I just want you to know that to come home to our consciousness beyond the stars that form our physical existence, doesn't mean any drastic changes to the life that you now know.  It just means that you no longer have to struggle to control all of this.  Once you come to know yourself beyond the struggle that happens every once in a while in a way that none of us can or could control, you just give up your struggle except for what this moment calls for.  If this moment calls for you to put out some physical fire, then you undertake that moment and what it requires.  But the panic of what happens beyond that fire will be far less; and, the panic that takes you out of the Oneness will actually start to direct you back to it, because it will become far less familiar to your lower consciousness than the innate and more powerful feeling of what home is, where we no longer panic, because all we are is a state of presence - the Oneness..

So, let's rest in our current mode of panic or feeling overwhelmed if that is what this moment requires.  As I wrote in a previous entry, there is no shame in feeling overwhelmed, and it is quite pointless to try to return to the Oneness while I am shaming myself for feeling overwhelmed or when I think that there are more fires that I need to put out.  In a moment of relative calmness, I can return to what feels more familiar than my physical home or sense of awareness, and then those fires just go out.  I become a little bit clearer on what I need to do in order to live and feel well in this physical existence, and I try to hold what I can remember of that sense of Oneness as I go out into the world and try to serve others.  Wanting to know the Oneness and then knowing it, is accumulative.  Your Lower Self starts to resonate with your Higher Self or the Oneness, more and more.  It wants to come to know itself where it will not panic, and a sense of home comes over itself once it wants to know itself as more than its physical witness.  Remember, you are all so much more than this, so how could you feel well when you want to remember yourself as physical more than you want to remember the Oneness?

More and more, you will want to remember your non-physical self or experience as well.  The experience of the Oneness is more than what we could call home, but "home" is our current experience or witness of what feels familiar, and so I will refer to it as this.  The more that I want to remember or experience the Oneness, the more it will feel familiar, and I will want to be a part of this world while I remember what feels more familiar.  The struggle comes, then, when I want to feel more familiar as my original self rather than this separate spectacle I now know.  That is when it is important to remember that we all chose to come to this physical self/world in order to be of service.  In other words, I chose to call this stardust home until I can remember where I am non-physical and live among others who have chosen to remember this but don't know how to yet or are more fascinated by the stardust and trying to organize or declutter its chaos.  The act of service is how I will know myself as the Oneness in physical form.  And if I remember to congratulate myself for this enormous act of continuous service so that others will feel more playful in this physical form, if nothing else, then I can start to relax and enjoy this physical form made of stardust, as well, and I can enjoy and marvel at how it glitters and sparkles with the joy of making its way back home to wellness and Oneness!  The fact that it glitters means that its in fragments, so I won't get too infatuated with all that glitters, but the fact that it sparkles means that people are enjoying the witness of the Oneness enough so that we can all call it home once none of this no longer exists in fragments.  

I hope that you will all congratulate yourself for whatever your quest to find your home is.  It does not matter the method you choose to enjoy your wholeness over the clutter and the chaos, even if it sparkles or seems shiny in moments.  The overall joy you feel when you have a moment of Oneness within yourself will start the spark that will help others not enjoy this feeling of chaos anymore, and then you will come to know the joy of this service - of being here in the presence of the Oneness while others come to know that this is our more normal form of presence.  The "almost home" experience will start to feel like you suffer less that you have known before, and you will feel happy or content to honor your experience as your higher form while you stay in this world that you now know in your physical experience.  +You won't struggle with your commitment to stay here, because you will know that you are an asset and that you have fulfilled (or are fulfilling) your life purpose.  You will come to accept that everything is perfect as it is, simply because your life purpose has been fulfilled and you are among your original consciousness while you witness all that the stardust begat.  You won't panic, and you won't struggle to get out of this once more.  You will find happiness in the suggestion that someone else struggles to know our commitment, simply because you will know that your sparkle of the Oneness will help them to lift that perspective back to ours where everything is in Oneness and nothing is separate. In the Oneness, struggle doesn't exist, and you will know that if they are aware of their consciousness even in a struggling form, they will know that a higher form of non-struggle must exist, and that is what they will follow and look for.  Therefore, they are "almost home" as well.

I welcome you all back to your struggle of what this is if that is what you prefer.  I know I will go on to prefer to witness the chaos for the most part, but then I will always go back to what is becoming a more and more familiar form of witness for me - that the Oneness exists as our most normal consciousness, and that within that is the witness that everything is perfect even in its most separate form as it struggles to come back to wholeness in its Oneness concsciousness.

"Almost home," is as good as it gets for anyone on earth, for home is not among us in a physical sense, and if I concentrate too much on what the non-physical is, I won't be able to hold my form in a physical sense.  Perhaps it is ironic that it took me wanting to not know my physical form anymore in order to make peace with it and call it an apartment - a dwelling - a physical residence - in my non-physical sphere of consciousness of knowing what the Oneness is, and to accept my residence within it in order to be of service.

I have to celebrate myself or else I will forget all of this because the Lower Self wants to know where the sparkle is, and if I don't make wanting to know the Higher Self seem fantastic and give it some great sparkle, the Lower Self will look for it in the muck and chaos again.

So, "Yay Jill!"  Yay to us all, because, ultimately, everyone wants to know what the Oneness is.  Just self-congratulate to appease the lower ego - create a false sense of self, it will know what this is once the awakening starts and it will let it go as well.

Welcome back to wanting to know yourself as the start of all of this.  I will try to adjust to my "almost home" model of consciousness.  I will try to relax and accept the Oneness as my primary mode of thinking about myself and all that exists.  I will try to use it to foster forgiveness for anything else that I don't perceive as perfect, and I will try to forgive myself for not seeing or perceiving it as a perfect gift to remind me to remember the Oneness above all else.

And so it is,

Jill, as the Oneness